What would make you cheat on your partner? A hard one to answer for most of us I’d guess. And not really the sort of question that you mull over with your corn flakes on a sunny day.
If you read a lot of the articles like this one, though you’ll begin to think the answer is simple.
The internet.
And of course the statistics are looking quite amazing with 20% of divorce cases in the US now involving Facebook in one way or another, Twitter in 5% and other social media in 14%. But the thing is, this doesn’t really deal with the question in hand.
For people to contravene societal norms, two things need to be in place:
Opportunity + Intent
A first glance would say that the internet is opportunity. Going back to chat rooms, or Friends Reunited and moving up to Facebook, Twitter etc. there is clearly greater opportunity for indulging in bad behaviour if one wants to. You can reconnect with old flames or acquaintances in a way that was never previously possible. “I wonder what happened to xxxx” becomes not a philosophical question, but an easy research topic.
But the thing that really interests me is the intent. Divorce rates have been increasing and adultery remains the main reason that relationships end. So there is a trend there anyway. There will be crossover between online and offline too. Where the internet is just a replacement for the hushed phone calls. But looking at the statistics there is also a whole load of people doing stuff that they wouldn’t normally do. The intent paradigm has shifted.
Something in the human brain seems to say, “this isn’t real” or perhaps even “this doesn’t matter”. Of course looked from the flip side, the “deceived” partner would probably argue that the feelings of betrayal, loss of trust etc. are absolutely as real. So what’s going on? And where does it stop? As social media and the internet develops as the mobile internet becomes quicker and faster and easier and as usage becomes second nature are we going to see societal views change and a new norm of acceptability become defined? Or are we sitting on an emotional time bomb that will severely impact our children, their children and the essence of social fabric as we know it?
Strangly this was a topic we spoke about while i was a uni nearly 4 years ago.
There was a lady Donna Haraway who wrote a manifesto that we were all going to become cyborgs that technology was to become an extention of ourselves and this I guess in a way is in fact just that.
We porject ourselves as we would like to be seen by others via verious modes of technology we select the photo’s we put up carefully and are mindful of what we look like to the other person (not all of us do this mind but many do)
People feel ‘safe’ within these tecnologies and classify people they have never met as friends. They open up they tell each other everything this would go with the saying that talking to a stranger is sometimes easier then talking to someone you know!
I think people have just forgotten that the social media world is not the same as the way you interact to behave in the ‘real’ world but somehow the things end up merging and those 2 hour chat room sessions become 2 hour phone calls then coffee then oh wait we are acting out Have you got mail?
Love that last paragraph a lot….you summed up what I was trying to say in one para. Actually I hate that!
I think this is an emotive subject matter and you’ve provided an interesting opinion.
The information age has made it easier for us to connect, communicate and interact at all levels through a myriad of different media. A decade or two ago who, in their wildest dreams, would’ve conjured up Facebook, Twitter, Blogging and the like? And now its part and parcel of my everyday life to say cheery good morning to the #earlyshift on Twitter.
The question that I think needs answering is what is the difference between a little harmless online flirting and actual online infidelity? To me it’s about the level of emotional interaction.
Flirting isn’t an emotional entanglement – we all do it; day in, day out. The matter of online infidelity I think is a little grey due to its *virtual* nature. I would judge my OH to be unfaithful if he was being emotionally intimate with someone online. Emotional intimacy is much deeper and more meaningful than just sex, and since a strong emotional connection can be developed virtually, it’s possible for someone to engage in online infidelity without ever actually touching the third party. But the caveat here is that this is MY opinion – this is how I would judge a situation – it doesn’t mean it’s the universal barometer.
For those of us who have clearly defined boundaries of what we are looking for from our virtual social circle / friendships etc. the information age is excellent. We can *meet* like-minded individuals, learn, help, support and mentor and hopefully receive the same in return.
My challenge with all of this is where does it end? Society is changing – the moral compass is shifting – where will it stop next?
When someone says that I have “an interesting opinion” they normally don’t agree……
I think your point about where the compass will stop is bob on…..and I have no idea.
What the internet does is widen the window of opportunity, it is not the cause of infidelity. People who want to flirt, have one night stands outside a relationship or begin affairs can do this easily the old fashioned way by going to bars, joining a club, group or night class or at work. The internet brings like minded individuals together easier, it makes affairs easier to conduct, it can make them easier to hide and it could make it easier for the other spouse to find out depending on internet savviness. Infidelity has been going on for centuries, housewives used to turn a blind eye to their husband’s misdemeanours as they had few other options. Equally wives could conduct affairs whilst their husbands were busy working and socialising and perhaps spend their lives never being with the man they loved. Now women have a tonne of options, they have no reason to stay in an unhappy relationship. The reasons for affairs lie with the individuals insecurities be that with the relationship or with themselves. These people will have affairs with or without the internet. I don’t believe one half of a happy couple would be tempted to cheat just because the internet offers them the opportunity on a plate, there has to be a dissatisfaction with the relationship in the first place to do it.
Thanks for commenting….I agree that it provides the opportunity completely, but I think it does more than that….I think it lowers the moral bar a little too. But as you rightly say, there has to be some other motive too.