There are very few things in life that can immediately show you to be the total incompetent twat that you are, dancing has to be one of the top three. Right up there with wedding speeches and cartoon ties/socks.  The latter of which takes a lot less effort but marks you out as a complete social outcast on sight…..trust me. I know.

Because I’m amongst friends right? And I know that you’re there for me, with a wonder bra like support and the tenacity of a Tibetan monk on pot. You see the thing is……I really can’t dance. Not at all.  In my head I’m busting moves like these guys but in reality I’m a middle aged, middle class white guy doing the frog dance. Ok I lied there…..a middle aged, middle classed white guy wishing like fuck he could do the frog dance. I mean…..come on….that guy is kinda sexy…..

The whole thing about being a teen in the 80s and into the indie scene was that you didn’t have to dance. Just stare at your shoes, shake your head a little (not too much, this isn’t glam rock) and wear black. Now that…..THAT….I can do. But dance…..dance proper? Hell no, I’ve more chance of a threesome with Vanessa Paradis and Helena Bonham Carter whilst Johnny Depp serves us canapes.

One of the scariest moments of my life was my wedding dance. In front of people. In front of people I knew. Fortunately my wife has a tendency to lead when dancing (she blames it on single sex education) so for 3 and a half minutes I was her bitch and then we were all good. Which tangentially takes me back to my childhood days as an award winning morris dancer……….when I was everyone’s bitch.

And the thing that comes back to me, the thing that gives me hope is this……. Men weren’t ever supposed to dance, we are a genetically disposed to being a useless swirling, testosterone fuelled mess on the dance floor. If men were supposed to dance God would have given us hips.

And rhythm.

But instead he gave us dreams, hopes and ineptitude. All of which we can discuss at the bar.

Sorted.

PS. I once had a night out with the Danish tine men robotic dancers…..they had a dance off with some Bollywood dancers as we all supped vodka…..it was awesome….I danced….and I looked a cock…..